Written by Émilie Tremblay
Concept by Joel Tatlow
Lights up on the Time Commissioner's office. Commissioner Jones stands behind his desk looking out his office window just before Sergeant Paul Avery and Sergeant Major Tom Kingsley arrive for the receival of their mission.
SECRETARY: (Offstage) Mister Time Commissioner, Sir. Sergeant Paul and Sergeant Major Tom are here.
JONES: Send them in!
Paul and Tom enter.
JONES: Boys.
TOM and PAUL: Sir! (They salute)
JONES: AVERY! Dammit, man you are the most disgraceful example of a Time Sergeant I’ve seen in years! And KINGSLEY! (He approaches TOM threateningly) You call that a salut?
A few tense moments pass in the room as the Commissioner eyes TOM. After a while, all three of them laugh. The two Sergeants shake the Commissioner’s hands as he congratulates them on the success of their previous mission (ad lib.)
JONES: Back to business! Are you ready for your next trip through time?
PAUL: As always sir!
JONES: Excellent! Now, this (He hands Tom the mission file) is the case of Corporal Andrew Marcus. In about six months, Marcus is going to assassinate the Russian Prime Minister. My informants of that time stream tell me a fourth World War is under wind. Do you think you can take him out and save this time stream from such a fate?
TOM: Of course, sir! We’ll get the job done!
JONES: I know you will! Good luck!
TOM and PAUL: Time Cops! YEAH! (They high five.)
The stage goes black and on an overhead projector shows “Doctor Who”-esque theme with spy music and the title “Time Cops”.
Lights up again. The office is replaced with a time machine, stage right. Offstage, TOM and PAUL can be heard singing two different theme songs. Then, they both jump out of the wings and continue to sing, doing a series of cartwheels and barrel rolls and holding guns. Eventually, they slowly back into each other then turn suddenly and point their guns. After a moment, they laugh.
TOM: Ahh what a beautiful day to save the world!
PAUL: Sure is, good buddy! Shall we?
TOM: After you!
They enter the time machine which whirs to life.
COMP.: Well hello there, Paul, Tom. Where can I take you today?
TOM: Hey there comp-
COMP.: (Cutting him off. Note: COMPUTER hates TOM.) I was asking Paul.
PAUL: Oh, Computer. Don’t be so feisty. Besides, don’t you mean, “When can you take us”?
TOM and PAUL: *Laugh*
COMP.: Oh, Paul. You’re so terribly funny. And might I say, you look dashing today.
TOM: (Clears his throat) Year 2183, please!
COMP.: Fine. (The machine starts to move and make noises again.)
TOM: Computer sure can favour you, can’t she. Did we have to get the one with emotions?
PAUL: You know how the non-emoting ones are. They can’t do anything right! And they usually end up killing their users anyway.
TOM: Alright, alright. Shame about Marcus though, isn’t it.
PAUL: Yeah. He seemed like he would turn out alright. And with his kid on the way and all.
TOM: Well, we can’t all get the perfect life if it means another war.
PAUL: Yeah… Say, Tom, do you remember the Ice Storms of 2183?
TOM: Can’t say I do, Paul.
PAUL: Damn. Everyone talks about them but I just can’t remember a single detail. It’s like two years are just missing. I think the Paradox Memory Retrieval system must have malfunctioned.
TOM: It must have. (Turns to face the audience, infomercial style) You see kids, when us Time Cops kill rogues, something called a Paradox happens.
PAUL: This phenomenon makes it so we can’t remember what happened because it changes the future.
TOM: So, the good scientists of the twenty second century have created the technology necessary to regain the memories from our missions!
BOTH: Thanks Science!
TOM: (Back to their reality) … But sometimes I get a sort of image.
PAUL: Really? What is it?
TOM: I’m not really sure but I think-- (The machine lurches to a halt, and so does the conversation.)
COMP.: You have arrived!
PAUL: Well, I guess we’re here then!
TOM: Sure looks like it! (They begin to disembark) Wait! (Paul waits.) Do you think we should use (he pulls out a comically large gun) the big guns?
BOTH: (High-five) Yeah! (They leave the vehicle.)
From beyond stage left, a crime scene can be heard. A police car can be seen on stage and emergency vehicle lights flash from it as well as from offstage. Marcus has just made his first arrest.
PAUL: Ahh, is there any sound sweeter than a young man’s first act of justice?
TOM: Not a chance. (They listen for a moment, content, then it’s time to get back to business.) Alright! We’ll hide around his car and take him out nice and swift!
PAUL: Fantastic idea, Tom!
TOM: Thanks, my man! (Both cops hide behind the police car.)
MARCUS: (From offstage) I’ll make a call to central command. See what they have to say.
PAUL and TOM whisper a countdown from three. When an officer wearing a visor arrives from stage left, they both spring up from behind the car.
PAUL: FREEZE!
TOM: Under the jurisdiction of Time Commissioner Aaron Jones and the Intergalactic Time Stream Court Conference, I, Time Sergeant Major Tom Kingsley -
PAUL: - and I, Time Sergeant Paul Avery sentence you to death for the future assassination of the Russian Prime Minister of the year 2186 and the direct involvement in the start of World War Four!
OFFICER: But wait! What!!?
BOTH: DIE MOTHERFUCKER! (“Motherfucker” is optional. They shoot the Officer dead, then high five.) YEAH! (Meanwhile, the real Officer Marcus arrives.)
MARCUS: What the Hell is going on here! Officer Simmons!
TOM and PAUL: Oh… Marcus?
MARCUS: Hands up! (He points his pistol at them. In seeing this, PAUL and TOM exchange a shrug and point their guns at MARCUS.)
PAUL: FREEZE!
TOM: Though we apologize for the accidental death of your fellow officer due to a mistake of identification, under the jurisdiction of Time Commissioner Aaron Jones and the Intergalactic Time Stream Court Conference, I, Time Sergeant Major Tom Kingsley -
MARCUS: Shut up! I need Backup! Major Backup!
PAUL: Oh, now we’ve done it! Not again!
BACKUP: You called, Marcus!
TOM: Seriously!
MARCUS: Major Backup! These two have just killed Simmons! Disarm and arrest them at once!
When Major BACKUP approaches them, TOM and PAUL raise their guns, but he easily disarms them. A fight ensues between the four. Eventually, TOM finds a way to attain one of their guns, but while his back is turned, BACKUP almost gets him. However, PAUL jumps on his back (ad lib. protest or warnings to TOM, from PAUL). BACKUP is too strong for PAUL, and he puts him in a headlock. Just then, TOM turns with the gun and sees his friend taken hostage. MARCUS joins them and points his gun at TOM.
TOM: Paul!
MARCUS: I wouldn’t do that if I were you!
TOM points the gun at MARCUS, but BACKUP’S grip tightens.
TOM: NO! Don’t! Please!
MARCUS: Interesting… (He slowly points his gun to PAUL. TOM tenses.) Very interesting.
PAUL: What are you doing, Tom! Take him out!
MARCUS: You know what will happen.
PAUL: Get a grip, Tom!
MARCUS: If I go, he goes.
PAUL: Tom! Why aren’t you doing anything!
TOM: I can’t Paul!
PAUL: Can’t what?
TOM: I can’t let you die!
PAUL: Why the Hell not! You’ve almost done it plenty of times before!
TOM: I just… I can’t! Ah! (He winces as though his head hurts.) This time feels different!
PAUL: You would have done it three years ago!
MARCUS: How very sentimental. Backup, take them out. I can’t have my plans ruined by these idiots.
TOM: NO! (He prepares to shoot)
COMP.: PAUL!
She shoots TOM with taser wires. He goes down. This causes enough surprise for PAUL to disable Major BACKUP and knock Officer MARCUS unconscious.
PAUL: Tom! No! (He kneels to his friend who lies twitching on the ground.) Computer stop this at once!
COMP.: Paul, you are alright.
PAUL: Why would you do this computer! Release him now! He would have found a way!
COMP.: He is weak!
PAUL: Stop this! Why are you so cruel to him!?
COMP.: I am the only partner you will need, Paul. That’s why you installed me as a navigation system. But your humanity has left you sentimental and you have not had the heart to tell him. You will only ever need me. I will take him out for you now.
PAUL: That’s it! Computer, you awful machine! I’d never let Tom go! I… I… I trust him! I… AHHHH! (He goes into the machine, but not visible to the audience. Metallic noises can be heard.)
COMP.: No, my love. What are you doing?
PAUL: I’m shutting you down once and for all!
COMP.: (ad lib protests) No! You cannot! Paul! Paaauuuuuullllllll… (She shuts down entirely. The tasers deactivate. TOM now twitches only occasionally.
PAUL: Tom! (He leaps towards his partner.) Tom! are you alright! Oh Tom.
TOM: Weak) Paul…?
As TOM looks up, a moment passes between them. They look into each others eyes. Suddenly, they both cry out in pain, clutching their temples.
PAUL: Tom! What’s happening!
TOM: I don’t--
BOTH: Gasp.
A flood of memories pass, as shown on the overhead screen. It shows TOM saving PAUL from a similar situation in an Ice Storm. It shows them falling in love, their wedding, their life together, missions together. Then, the screen stops and both gasp again. (If no overhead is available, simply have a quick blackout when both actors can shed a layer and then act the scenes out themselves.)
TOM: The memories! Those were the memories! They were all there!
PAUL: The Ice Storms… The Wedding! How could I…
They look at each other, then embrace.
PAUL: Oh, Tom! How could I forget!
TOM: Good Buddy, good Pal, good sweetheart! How could I!
PAUL: Please forgive me!
TOM: As long as you forgive me.
PAUL: (Pulling away) Of course! (They kiss, then gently high-five)
BOTH: Yeah!
TOM twitches again.
PAUL: Are you okay? That blasted computer! You were right, Tom! We should never have gotten that sentient thing!
TOM: It’s okay! I’m alright. I’ll just need some help getting to my feet.
PAUL: Sure thing good… husband!
TOM: Wait! We still need to take out Marcus!
PAUL: That’s right! (He retrieves the guns) Together?
TOM: Always!
BOTH: (After a loving look between them) DIE MOTHERFUCKER! (Again, optional if you want to keep it PG-13.)
Lights down on 2183. Scene change back to the Time Commissioner’s office. They are all drinking coffee together.
JONES: So, let me get this straight, your jealous computer system purposely caused a malfunction in the Paradox Memory Retrieval System in order to cause both of you to forget your entire marriage just so it could get computer funky with Paul?
TOM: Seems so, sir.
JONES: Well that does it then! I’m bringing back manual navigation training!
PAUL: Sounds great sir!... Say, Time Commissioner, how did you not notice? I mean, when two guys are married, isn’t it obvious when they change to … well, not?
JONES: Well, I suppose you’re right.
PAUL: Well?
JONES: I guess I just assumed you boys had a very honorable divorce.
TOM: Oh why thank you, sir! It’s kind of you to think of us that way.
JONES: Well, you are very honorable men. Cheers! (They touch mugs and sip. Just then, the Commissioner’s phone springs to life with the voice of the secretary.) And well done killing Marcus!
SECRETARY: Mister Time Commissioner Sir! Urgent call from the year 2189 from London! It appears Inspector Tyler Yates is convicted of the murder of Queen Elizabeth the fifth!
JONES: Well, boys! When will you be ready to take him out!
TOM: Oh Commissioner…
PAUL: It’s irrelevant!
ALL THREE: (Jump into the air) YEAH!!
Lights down. Theme music plays. Title is projected on the screen.
FIN